but your love bomb exploded.
I wanted to tell you how dope my new supervisor is for asking me to pick out a mindfulness book for our department to read together and process during staff meetings.
Or the stupid Taylor Swift paint night that I came across when I was looking for my own activity to distract me.
You were so fearful of a slow fade, that you decided to blow everything up.
Every trauma that I have experienced has caused me to retract. My world has grown smaller with each tragedy.
I feel like someone dumped a 1,000 piece puzzle on my dining room table and all of the pieces are the same color. An impossible puzzle to solve. Or one that will take extraordinary patience.
I’m mentally playing with all of the pieces, and one which I held in my hand today was the retraction. I decided I won’t make my world smaller this time. I won’t withdraw or disappear for another person. I won’t let another person take another thing away from me.
I opt for expansion. I choose gratitude.
I am grateful for my guardian angel in North Carolina that talked me through this situation. For my friends and family that took the time to listen, without judgment. For the mental health professional that has seen me at my absolute worse and always shows up for me with more compassion than I ever have for myself.
And my husband. The person that absolutely didn’t need to do a damn thing, but has been listening and working through it all with me. Patiently waiting for my return.
“To begin by always thinking of love as an action rather than a feeling is one way in which anyone using the word in the manner automatically assumes accountability and responsibility.”
bell hooks
Love is an action and I am making the choice moving forward to make my actions reflect love. First and foremost, love for myself. Love for the people that have my back. And love for the rest of humanity. Even the people lost, sick, lonely, and suffering.
Seferlover 